The Irony Is All Mine

I couldn't access my blog until this evening because of computer problems. It's this kind of situation that makes me wonder why I depend more and more on technology that can fail. I suppose it's not unlike our ability to keep reaching out to others in friendship and romance, though some of those have disappointed in the past. I'm not meaning to equate the two, or at least hoping not to. I wouldn't want a virtual life to outpace my real life. I want, and expect, to always consider my virtual connections to be ancillary and assisting with my real life, not a substitute for it. So then, what is blogging for? I could be doing so many other things; this blog may fail to capture my continued attentions exactly because of that tension.

Perhaps the importance is not what this says about technology, but what it suggests about the other components of my life. While I easily question technology's role in my life, I don't as readily question the other parts of my life, especially those that have become habit. What about, for instance, my work? Should I question more whether it takes too much out of my "real" life? Ah, but what then is my "real" life? What core would I want to keep if I have to choose between those elements that presently constitute my life? And isn't that really what life asks me all the time? Every day that one thing is put aside for something else, there is a(n often unstated) choice being made--this is more important than that. Making that conscious could be one goal of a blog like this. But does it need to be made conscious to the world?

I will try to resolve this blogger's dilemma another day. For now, it's time for dreams. I think I'll keep the weird ones I had last night to myself--some things just shouldn't go public.

Hey You Out There

I was talking with my friend at Micwriter about this new writing venue, the blog, with which so many of our students are probably very familiar. For many of them, I don't think questions arise regarding "how should I talk?" or "how much should I divulge?" Not that this indicates a failing, but rather a comfort level with a venue that is perceived as being, perhaps, an extension of conversations with their friends.

For me, however, and for micwriter, it seems that we understand (and are controlled by?) conventions all too well--an academic paper for a presentation is generally (aside from nerdy academic humor) rather serious and predictable. Emails can be breezy, but even then, whether they appear on personal or university servers, one might be less or more aware of and attentive to content. Creative writing has its various conventions, whether poetry or fiction, and so forth. So what conventions should be honored in this venue? Especially as an exercise that will often touch on academic issues, how casual can it be? What about one's personal life can/should be divulged? I found myself self-editing for cues that might give away personal identifiers or disclosures, such as references to the university I work at that might reveal its location, or word choices that could reveal that I am, gasp!, a human being with a normal range of emotions and activities. Disclosure #1: I failed to identify the "gentleman" I mentioned in my first post as a man I'm currently dating (actually, I went back and omitted reference to "my beau"). Why? Lots of reasons, probably, including: superstition (put in writing that one is dating and suddenly the situation blows up in one's face; that's why I've resisted for so long putting this man's phone number in my phone list, for example); convention (I work occasionally with this man; what happens if others find out? will it create strange tensions? I tend to avoid not only situations where there's a conflict of interest, but those that give rise to the appearance of a conflict of interest. So am I breaking my own "rules"? And at what peril?); word choice problems (when I looked up "beau" I found this means not only boyfriend, but dandy and fop--not the guy I'm dating for sure, but then what to call an adult male, not boy, one sees and likes but doesn't live with nor have any contractual relationship with?); and my astrological sign (okay, I'm a Capricorn, and as you can see, we are WAY too serious about too many things).

I think this revelation has served to remind myself and perhaps horrified others about how much--too much?--thought can go into how and what we write. This is called (take notes, students) audience awareness. It's a good thing, but geesh, I'm thinking it can be a real pain as well. Of course, the other element is that there is a very limited audience for this blog, I'm sure: i.e., the people to whom I've told this exists. So it sounds presumptuous that I'm even concerned a larger audience might exist for this. That whole notion of presumption, ego, reasons for divulging suggests that an exegesis on purpose may be in order. But I'll save that for a later post, as the attention of my limited audience may be waning. I know mine is.

Virgin Entry

I feel as though I am embarking on a maiden voyage that will allow me to access territory I'm not certain I want to access. Only ten years ago, I looked at the computer as a tool that replaced the typewriter. That was the main use, I thought then, that I would make of it. As I entered the arena of teaching and research, I quickly acclimated to the wonders of technology and still marvel at the quick access to what seems like the world, and it is--the virtual world, at least.

With the world comes the world's largesse. How to identify boundaries? How to limit one's inquiries? Once on the computer, hours can be, and sadly often are, lost. Even as I begin to prepare in extremis for the new academic year, I dread not the interactions with students, not the critical inquiry that can sometimes be so exhilirating (thanks summer Topics class for a great quarter!), but the feeling that I am chained to the computer, to sedentariness, to an immersion in a world that is a parallel universe to that of my sons and my friends whom I see too infrequently during the school year, the woods that back my house, my cats that meow their complaints at me, and the physical pleasures of life (food, drink, and e.e. cummings' lovely etcetera.).

So what am I doing on a blog? I will be exploring this computer venue with my students this year and suggesting later this year that they might blog to represent their research. So I must blaze my own trail to find out what pitfalls they might encounter, whether it's a good idea after all, and what unforeseen benefits might arise. Already, however, I can see the greatest pitfall for me--the time spent in this virtual world. I paused when asked my virtual name and web-title. No. Pausing is a euphemism for what happened. It was paralysis. What to name myself? How can I decide on a name when I can't decide what text to use for a class or what day to sign up for a computer class? What does a title represent? What would be both catchy and revealing, but not too revealing? Such ruminations led me to wonder if it shouldn't be therapy-time to discuss issues of decision-making and forward movement.

Deep breath. It's only a blog. It's only a class. It's only my life. Panic.

Another breath. The reason I chose "Less is More" is that a gentleman I know was telling me of a Japanese word that translates to this; we'd been having a conversation on how to survive in a world that somehow gets away from us all too easily. Almost invariably, when I do manage to take enough deep breaths, do some meditation, remember my yoga breathing, or just wake with the "right" attitude, I can see that what I want to do is really very simple: with my teaching, for example, it's to teach a class which most participants, including myself, enjoy and learn from. It doesn't have to have bells and whistles; it doesn't have to reinvent the world. I don't have to reinvent myself every day, either. It's hard not to try to do that when I want (expect?) so much from the world and myself. But more is usually too much when, as happens to me and many of my friends, our baseline is still chock full of obligations, expectations, worries, and yes, even blessings. Less can be more, and it will be interesting to see if blogging becomes a "More" that is detrimental, or if it helps me focus and reminds me of how to continue to see life as a way to pare down to the essentials. More in another post of what those essentials are for me.

Thanks to my friend at Micwriter for getting me inspired to start this. She and I and another of our friends and colleagues are dedicated to supporting each other in these endeavors and in the "less is more" mantra. I'd like this blog to take a measure of the success or failure of this voyage into The Territory of Less. May it be a memorable adventure full of beauty and lessons to live by.