The Journey

I'm hoping that willpower is also habit. I am feeling less interested in exercising, but I'm starting to feel strange if I don't do it. I wake wondering which exercise I'll do that day, so it's on my mind--I'm not likely to forget it. Right now, that's coming mainly from fear: I'm feeling a lot stronger and looking more like my old self that I am afraid to drop the vigilance. Another six weeks of this before school starts and this should be even more ingrained. So if I tumble out of bed and head straight to my espresso machine to make my latte, maybe it will automatically be followed by exercise (then or later that day). No willing myself to do it, just doing it 'cause that's what I do.

The trick now is to keep telling myself this is going to make a difference. My weight has stabilized. I must be gaining muscle which is off-setting some fat loss, and with the heat probably retaining water--these things I keep telling myself so I know I'm still changing in a positive way. On the other hand, I still have 15 pounds to lose!!! I also have to tell myself that it took five months to lose the first 5 pounds, and then only 6 weeks to lose the next 5 because of due diligence. Ergo, six more weeks, 5 more pounds. Right? Why don't I believe this? Or am I just getting tired :(

I think more than anything I just plain ol' don't want this to take so long and be so difficult. I know that, despite what I tell myself I realize, I'm not seeing the process as being as useful as I, at times, know it is and appreciate it as being. I see it as the impediment to the goal. And to quote dear Maggy Lindgren, "it's the process, sister." All of life is the process. Must . . . appreciate . . . the journey . . . .

Must also see what dis-inspires. I realized before I'd have to vary up my weekly offerings if I'm to stay interested, so tomorrow a.m. I need to take my bike to Trek to get them to fix it up and start including biking in the mix. Next month, it's Rhythm and Motion just down the street. Recognizing the need to avoid the pitfalls along the journey is just as important as plodding along.

Willpower

What the f*** is the will anyway? My mind and body are in agreement that I need to lose weight, so what part is it that, at some points, wants to just throw in the towel and go lie down for a long, long nap?

Part is overcoming memory of past defeats--I've tried losing weight before, gotten even lower than I am now, and just slid back. Part is the frustrating contradictions or intransigence of my body. Still exercising, not eating much differently each day, and my weight continues to fluctuate by 2-3 pounds. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I feel stronger? Yes. Do I get pissed off that my scale doesn't show that I'm losing weight? YES. Ah, those numbers. They do have a hold on me.

And then there's the psychological defeats or sense of what I don't have that propels me to want to say, so who cares. Not a good idea, but sometimes those, too (or mostly?), play a role.

Will = positive attitude in large part, at least for me. Positive that change can occur. Positive that when that change occurs, that it will be worth the effort because of the positives that come with that change. Positive that even the effort is a good thing, despite (or perhaps because of?) how long it takes for the goal to be achieved. And perhaps a rethinking that the goal is the process as well as the end result. Oooh. Gotta stay with that one awhile . . . .

As they say, where there's a will, there's a way. May the will be with me to see the way.

Losses

Shortly after the last entry, I found out a member of the HHC lost her father when he passed away shortly before his son's wedding. My heart goes out to Lisa and her family. The small setbacks of life seem to pale at moments like this.

Update on Temptation

Well, not eating much didn't last long. Yesterday, our last full day (and, more importantly, last opportunity for dinner) in Boston I had a great dinner and completely overindulged--luckily, it was mostly with seafood, so I'm not sure I'm terribly in the hole. Today, however, I succumbed to a good humor bar just ten minutes ago, which seems scandalous--ice cream before noon? Tsk! I'm wondering if it's the break in habit, or if I am running off a lot of calories hoofing it around Boston in the heat even when I don't exercise, or if it matters that I'm not on my multiple small meals a day kind of diet. I hope returning to my normal eating habits won't be too difficult starting tonight. The flight is overbooked, however, so we'll see when I return to Cinti. With the departure gate being surrounded by Wendy's and a Chicken sandwich place, this does not bode well.

Avoiding Temptation

I don't know what it is--a mini-miracle, perhaps. I've been in Boston, home to good food and even better beer, and I'm, like, eh! I feel a little sorry that I'm not indulging, and I'm sure it's more the heat than my willpower, but I'm just not into eating a lot these days. Breakfast was one of those funky cookies you only get on airplanes--never saw them before, will probably never see them again (unless it's on my flight home). Lunch was a make-it-yourself salad at a deli where I was able to eat by the window and watch the Bostonians pass by. Dinner at the AAUP opening reception was very delish, but I had all of one glass of chardonnay, baked scrod, one little crab cake (really, about the size of a quarter on steroids), two small wedges of potato, and a salad--the salad was very yummy, with field greens, dried blueberries (which I hadn't had before, but I'll have to find--not really "dry," more like regular blueberries, but chewy), and goat cheese--no dressing because the goat cheese was so creamy it seemed satisfying enough. Yum!! I even passed up the clam chowder, which Greg will chide me about, and no dessert--looked tasty, but, eh!

I think if I had to start cutting back on my food, summer really is the time. Heat and stuffing yourself just doesn't go together. I would love more of this New England fish, and I will, actually, as we go to the aquarium tomorrow, yum ;)

SWEAT!!!

Okay, when the heat index is predicted to be 104, reminder to self: don't wait till 9:30 a.m. to run!!! It is too late!! Walked 15, ran 15, walked 10, ran 10, walked 4 and then decided to sit down next to a waterfall. About 2 minutes later checked my heart rate and it was at 210 or over--and that's after a 2 minute rest!!. Yikes! My maximum heart rate is 166. Good news is that 3 minutes later, it had fallen to 120, but I decided to walk, somewhat briskly, the following 20 minutes. After about 10-15, my heart rate had gone back up to 170, so as one of my walking partners, Lisa, said, heat really does increase the heart rate. She was a font of information when we walked the other day, explaining how to figure target heart rates, how different rates mean you're burning fat (lower) or building muscle (when you're at the higher rate), and how heat can play a big role. Found that out and need to watch this a bit more during the hottest days and go out earlier. Bound for Boston tomorrow and will run Fri/Sat/Sun and plan to get up around 5 to do so. Tomorrow's heat index predicted at 114!!!! Good news--pre and post run weigh-in showed a 2 pound difference!!! Gotta love that water loss (and that's drinking a 12 oz bottle of water!)

WebMD is one of many sites to calculate target heart rate for you (or consider maximum 220 - your age). http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/healthtool-target-heart-rate-calculator

Pounds, Pessimism, and Persistance

The first of the title seems all too intractable at times, the second all too easily rears its head, and the third is what I'm working on, hard.

It seems like many weeks and lots of sweat into my exercise and diet regime, I see-saw like a little girl and right now I'm stuck back on top and the big bad bully won't let me down. The thing is, the big bad bully who weighs more than me IS me--it's the real me with the weight I have that I don't want to be. I want to be the little skinny girl on top--feather-weight, svelte, out-weighed at every turn. Trouble is, that's not the picture that's going to help me in the long run.

The one with strength and flexibility who's going to outlast and out-muscle the heavy me is the one I want to be and should aim to be like. I am convinced somewhere in my "there is justice out there" soul, that if I keep on my getting fit routine, the weight will eventually come off.

Why is this an issue right now? I went down to see friends in KY and ate poorly--too many simple carbs and not enough veggies and fruit and complex grains; I even had the first low-blood sugar episode that I've had in months and months. Some of it was bad choices on my part where I could have opted for something better--so a heads up for me in the trip that's ahead of me to Boston later this week.

I also didn't exercise for two days. (The me that wasn't exercising at all for awhile is like, what? who cares?; the me who has been exercising regularly feels like a slug.) This is one of those whether-I-like-it-or-not ideas: regardless of my preference, I MUST EXERCISE. No excuses. Period. It's got to be fit into the day, and I have to get back to more cardio. Which means seeking more out because running all the time may not be the friendliest option for my knees; I have to get my bike in shape, I have to try the dance options nearby (Rhythm and Motion), and I have to use the tapes I do have, which are really pretty good and provide a good workout. The balance with strength training is also crucial--they ARE helping to trim and tone--I can feel their effect and I feel stronger when I run because of them. But cardio is what will help me drop pounds, too, so maybe it's cardio + strength, not one or the other on a particular day.

Now that I'm back, the scale is not telling me what I want to see. Back up almost three pounds. My body doesn't feel less trim, so what it is, I'm not sure--a woman's body is a mysterious thing with monthly fluctuations that can suck you under quicker than a strong tide--but I would prefer to embrace the changes than fight against them and definitely rather than get depressed by them, which is how I woke this morning. Er. Afternoon. Stayed up until past 2 a.m., was woken early by neighbors and my own cat around 7, fed said cat and went back to bed, had weird ex-husband and house dreams, and slept in until 1 p.m. Typically, I think of 8 a.m. as "late."

Journaling helps, which is what I consider this since no one will ever see it. Ah, the pleasures of being one among many (thousands? hundreds of thousands? millions?) who blog.

No, it's not eat, pray, love, it's eat, work on goals, reassess, self-talk, work toward balance, embrace friends, pull oneself up by the hand--gently but firmly, and on and on.

Keep on keepin' on. As for the T- listings, I've decided I'm not going to record every fluctuation back up, telling myself this is momentary water gain or the moon pulling at who knows what. But the next downturn just may be a bit longer in coming--so be it. It will come. If I take care of my body, it will come. Ohmmmmmmmmmm.

Habits

I'm in the habit of making a latte for myself when I wake up in the morning. I'm in the habit of cleaning up my bathroom and making my bed before I leave every day. I'm in the habit of showering in a particular way and using certain products in my hair. I'm almost in the habit of using sunscreen every day. Etc., etc. So how do I get in the habit of exercise EVERY DAY in the same way that won't change because I get busy with school, or my schedule changes, or . . . .

My Goal: keep exercising after my ten week fitness regime is up. Keep eating well. Keep the weight off!! The weight I'm assuming I'll lose, that is ;)

Friends and Family

I exercise alone quite a bit of the time--videos, dancing to Glee, exercises I know to do regularly, running, walking, and on and on. It's been great to be encouraged by friends to get out on a regular basis--hence the group walk that crops up in my exercise schedule. Three other women and colleagues of mine to walk and talk with and coffee-klatch with afterward. Of course, I want to keep up and I want to stay in shape, and I am encouraged by hearing how they are exercising, and eating, and otherwise staying eager to meet again the next week. Hearing about problems and pasts and the general ups and downs is also strangely heartening--we're all making it, and we're not all that different in many ways. We support each other, care about each other, look forward to the next walk in a new location, just to keep things interesting. One of the best perks of the exercise routine. Thanks, HHC!

And for inspiration at a distance, my three sons, all of whom are working to keep fit. Starting with Geoff that means rock climing, bouldering, running, and biking. Greg got super fit with PX90 and has stayed fit in the hot Houston climate. Andrew also works out and is a bass player who probably sweats off ten pounds everytime he gets on stage. All seem to be trying to eat well, with Andrew becoming an "Accidental Vegetarian." Okay . . . . Whatever it takes! I've got a lot of respect for them to be as conscious of fitness at their age--go boys!!

On Eating

A colleague who was trying to lose weight said he just cut down on what he was eating. Hah! I thought (and perhaps said). I needed to count calories--which I did for awhile, and for me it was useful. It made me aware of what a reasonable amount of calories was for me--i.e., what reasonable meals were, what I couldn't have, what I needed to substitute (e.g.--more fruits and veggies for carbs, sweets, etc.), and so forth. His advice was, however, also good and useful. Instead of cooking up 1/2 a cup of oatmeal in the a.m., I cook up 1/3 cup. Instead of having "a little extra," I slow down and eat my portioned meal and really taste it, and just don't have any more.

I highly recommend more veggie options. I've been eating beans more and various greens, more fruit (I LUV white peaches!!--what a great time to be doing this, too, when all these lovely foods are fresh and delicious and I can freeze and can some, too!), more good things in general, and much less red meat.

I do still have eggs and fish, but I find I don't have much of a craving for meat or cheese. Somehow (most of the time) they seem too heavy--perhaps I'm more sensitive to fat? I found when I was first beginning to watch my sugar intake carefully after I realized I had low blood sugar, I became hyper-sensitive to the idea of sugar. It seemed downright unpleasant, and still does in some forms--regular soda, candy bars (usually, except the little ones around Halloween!), and even some fruit juices. Perhaps that's happening now with fat, which my body is thinking ain't such a good idea these days, at least not in the amounts I probably used to take them in.

I'll see if I can post some links to places I enjoy visiting for good food, and get back to making some yummy meals. Made some endamame salad which was great; gazpacho which I'll finish for lunch today, and salads of all sorts. Yum!

The Needle Moved!

For the first time, I went down a pound today, Saturday, 7/09. Wow. I wonder if partly that's the effect of going off the OTC meds that could have been making me retain water. I do feel much "harder"--trimming here and there, feeling better in clothes, etc. I sure don't feel the weight I'm at, so if the scale will eventually move to accommodate my brain, that'd be nice!

Okay: addendum. Took the plunge after the yoga conditioning today and stepped on the scale again, just to be sure I was down by 1; I'm now down by 3! The needle will eventually move if the work continues and the calories stay down. And yesterday, despite the temptation of Uno's deep dish pizza, I ordered an individual for Dad and me and our movie date, only had one out of six pieces (Dad had two!), and gave the remaining three to Andrew. And I was really not very tempted to eat more. Also ordered a caesar salad to supplement.

Found out from Andrew he's on a vegetarian diet, so I think this is more incentive to keep up the mainly veggie routine I've been following. Just have to learn my protein sources. But yay!

Epiphany

It's not all in my head. At least I've convinced my head that it's not. The Rheumatologist who'd been recommended to me isn't taking new patients. Okay, fine. I don't need one anyway. And then last night, after 45 minutes of conditioning exercises, my knees and elbows felt so full of fluid that I thought I could barely bend them. Today again, out for a run/walk, I come back and my knees feel like balloons. My head or my body? I'm opting for the latter.

Then I read that N-SAIDS--those non-steroidal anti-inflammatories I've been taking like Advil and Naproxin, can increase water retention. A vague memory that this happened before with another flare up of arthritis--I kept wondering if Naproxin in particular made me feel like a water balloon.

So I'm listening to my body. I've gone off my once daily Naproxin and will treat the pain with Tylenol if it comes back. I'm going to ice my knees after runs and see if I can lose some of the fluid that is almost as annoying (and more, sometimes) as the pain.

So let's recap: arthritis makes you ache which makes you not want to exercise. But you take drugs to help reduce the pain so you can exercise which you know is good for your body and may help keep the arthritis at bay. But the medication makes your joints feel so sluggish you don't want to exercise and so . . . .

All I know is I have to get in shape now and stay in shape so I'm not gaining ten more pounds through this vicious cycle and not being able to get that off, either.

Re-dedicate, re-new, refresh my goal: 20 pounds before the end of the year!!

Ignoring the non-moving needle on the scale

No matter how much I exercise and think I'm cutting back eating, I don't seem to be losing. I feel bloated and tight--my joints feel thick, especially my elbows and knees. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I don't feel like I'm losing any weight. Blah. How much of a diet/fitness routine is psychological. Saying f*** this and who cares if I never lose weight, only to keep on going so that eventually, the weight will be lost. There's so much doubt--what if there's a medical reason for my lack of ability to lose? What if I'm never going to lose this? What if . . . .

I'm so tired of being overweight that that's about the only thing that allows me to keep on going. I'm tired. Just tired.

I'm hoping tomorrow and the promised 63 degrees that it is supposed to fall to tonight will help in the morning as I plan to run/walk and feel good doing it . . . . if it kills me.

Exercise

It seems fitting to continue this blog for my newest adventure, which is to lose weight and get fit. I've gained almost twenty-five pounds in the last two years, and it's about time those pounds came off. Too many reasons: it's time to get past the reasons.

I'm at that age when I can blame my intransigent weight on pre-menopause, on slowing down, on whatever. But it still doesn't get the pounds off. So I've started an exercise regime and eating less and better. Here's where I'll record that to keep me motivated. Hopefully something more interesting than mere numbers will emerge. And if that's all that emerges, but I'm getting in shape, so be it.

Ideal Exercise Schedule for the next twelve weeks (until I start teaching again--then I'll have to reconsider what and when). To be modified as other things come up, new opportunities for exercises emerge, etc. GOAL: One hour minimum of exercise a day, with option for a day off.

Sunday: Long run/walk
Monday: Strength Training
Tuesday: Run (early); exercise tape of some kind later
Wednesday: Pilates (early); long group walk
Thursday: Strength Training
Friday: Run (early); yoga
Saturday: Day "off" (& housework)

So far worked out last two weeks doing about five of these nine in each week (last two weeks in June). I'll keep an exercise diary posted to keep myself honest. It's amazing how I can go days without exercising, but once I'm in the grove, it feels wrong to miss even one day. I think even on my day "off" I'll have to do some mild exercises just to feel like I'm not turning back into a lump.

One big plus: I am starting to feel more energized; last week I felt like a slug and every exercise was a chore to get myself to complete. I try to find a reason: arthritis a factor? is it my age? blah, blah. IT'S BECAUSE I'M CARRYING AROUND 20 EXTRA POUNDS AND HAVEN'T EXERCISED THIS MUCH IN MONTHS!!. Yikes.

So what I have to admit is I have to work up to the ability to really go full tilt. It will take me awhile to lose the weight. I will have to earn the thin, fit, and strong body I want back. I've had it! I want it back!!

Here's to momentum . . . .