2015

And almost coming to a close.  November 8, a beautiful sunny fall day. Probably in the low to mid 60s.  I am sitting here thinking about walking/running/biking but feeling lazy and a bit lonely.  Have things changed since I started this blog?

I did gain weight to be at my highest this past summer. I'd been having some health issues since spring and realized I needed to lose weight.  Lost about ten pounds since June, but had additional health concerns, one still being checked.  I am buried in work and trying to figure out a way to get back to some balance in my life.

So . . . .

I found this blog again, and may use it to track my exericse and mood in an effort to get on track for my upcoming sabbatical, and perhaps a way to figure out where I am in my life.  I feel torn into many pieces.  Not pulled in many directions.  Torn.  Into many pieces. I don't feel like myself.

I am body parts.  The pelvis that was scanned by ultra-sound.  The lungs that were x-rayed.  The brain that was MRI'd.  The heart that was scanned by echocardiogram.  I heard its lub-dub, its swooshing. It is strong, but I was told it may have a hole in it. 

My blood is spun into its components, looked at under microscopes.  My chromosomes are checked and evaluated.

Yet my red blood cells still multiply, in what the doctor says is "a cancer." 

They may let my blood.  They may order more tests.  I don't know yet.  My body is divided.  A house divided against itself cannot stand.  I am in slides and videos. I am magnetic resonances bounced off my body and reflected back again.  I have escaped myself.  Who is the me to whom I should/might return?

I will have a cup of coffee and then decide where to go from this point on a sunny Sunday afternoon.  Perhaps it doesn't have to be anywhere exactly.  I am like the mouse in the woods that sits under a big leaf and waits. If there's a mouse in the woods and no one is else is there, is the mouse lonely? Would the mouse prefer even a chase to the singular shelter of the leaf?